Newlyweds or nearly-deads, so the saying goes for cruising. I say screw that, just go.  Economy being in the shitter as it is, the best bang for your vacation buck may be a cruise.

Took my first 7-day cruise recently, a whole week of booze, food, beaches and did I mention, the booze?

The cruise experience.

You board, eat, party, drink, sleep, eat, party, port, eat, drink, sleep, port, eat, drink, sleep and so on, not necessarily in that order.

• Step 1. Order a cocktail like right the fuck now, after the day-long ordeal from HELL that is just getting on the damn boat. Maybe there is a kickback from the ship to the port.
• Step 2. Open mouth, shove in food. Lots of it. Read a review once that for a small fee, someone would come into your cabin at night, feed you while you slept. Sums it up.
• Step 3. Find your spots: which pool, which bar, which quiet corner or rockin’ club has your name on it.
• Step 4. Repeat for 7 days and nights.

Some vacationers are all about the food, about which I’m admittedly picky. Some just like the relaxing, do all the nothing you want respite and kudos to them. I’m a mix, also enjoying the travel part of this traveling vacay, the ports.

Ports and excursions. There’s this new fangled thingy called the Internet and you can type your way to better, cheaper excursion deals vs. booking through the cruise line. Sites like Cruise Critic give you the low down on what to expect so there is really NO excuse to be unprepared, whine about not finding something to do at each location.

Pluses:

• Designated driver included in price. As the person who gets this thankless job, ROCKS.
• Your room goes with you. Three different countries, didn’t have to repack once.
• Services. Room stewards, room service, waited on hand and foot.. miss it already.
• People. Don’t like your travel mates? Happens. Easy enough to make new friends.

Minuses:

• Booze not included. That adds up to one scary ass piece of paper slipped under your door.
• Smoking. Hot damn did I miss the US war on tobacco. Compromises.
• Fun for a fee. Amenities are aplenty aship, matey.. but not always included in the price.
• Assholes. Too many expect too much, talk too loud, monopolize the pools, let their kids act like hooligans and what not like they friggin own the damn boat. You know the types, they paid “good money” unlike everyone else, so it’s all about them.

Will I pimp the cruise line? Sure, Carnival. Everything was a Fun Ship all right, good but you, not sock-removing WOW. That said I’ll go again in a heartbeat as for this kind of money (a bargain at $70/day), just beware the bar bill.

My first travel post. Did I snark you off from sailing the seas or have you booking your next trip? Tell me.

Links chosen for the hell of it

• Cruise Line Scams: Booze and Beverage Packages (gadling.com)
• Carnival’s own officially disavowed in case someone screws up blog (johnhealdsblog.com)