Green Lantern: I missed it?

Movies and Television

So this will be short as errands had me about 10-15 minutes late to the cheap showing of Green Lantern. Wasn’t about to cough up more money to enjoy the air conditioning, so I said fuck it.

The boring backstory

Was it here that had lots of gratuitous Ryan Reynolds shirtlessness? Guess so as frankly, I find him a little odd looking sometimes.. especially with all his clothes on. Anyway from the exposition I could tell:

  1. He was once a kid. And a screw up. And possibly a douchebag. See also, present day.
  2. He had friends who grew up to look like Blake Lively and Peter Sarsgaard.
  3. He had a dad who was proably more talented, more heroic, a helluva a lot smarter and whose absence/death created all these daddy issues and ‘dramatic’ angst.

Not even a photogenic cast can light up Green Lantern © 2011 Warner Bros.

Nepotism for the contrivance

Everyone seemed to get their roles via their parents. Blake’s girlfriend and Peter’s villain via connections to their pops, and all of Hal Jordan’s pathos and talents come from dear old dad.

Lesson learned from Top Gun: fighter pilot skills ARE genetic.

Worse for our lead would-be hero, who might look good in CGI spandex, is this alleged inner strength that was all talk, no show. Shades of Smallville right there, having others talk about how the “hero” has this ‘unique’ ability to do something, like overcome fear when the audience hasn’t seen an inkling of it.

It’s not special; it’s option 1) sit in a corner and cry like a baby while you get dead or 2) put on the big girl panties and do something to save your ass. Sheesh.

Was there even a plot?

I don’t really know. Random alien dude picks Ryan as Hal because of some mojo epic destiny, some aforementioned alleged ‘specialness’ so he gets the gift of all these powers. A short 5-minute Lantern fu tutorial and our hero 1) knows what to do and 2) realizes he ain’t all that. And quits. Because he’s a quitting quitter who’s also a loser. Whatever.

But as fate would have it, disasters must be averted, villains squished and girls impressed. Speaking of… as I don’t know or care if it’s true to the comics, I will say that I liked that Lively’s Carol Ferris was not a complete moron and recognized Hal as Green Lantern almost instantly.

Now the all too obvious Act I gun that almost goes off in Act IV, the appears at the end to set up the would-be sequel can STFU. As if?!

Final Snark: Even if there was more shirtlessness, it would not have saved this snoozefest. Pray Captain America does better by Chris Evans’ fans.

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    • Thank you sir, doing my part to save the people from crap ass movies, one outdated post at a time (after killing my site a few weeks back I’m finally getting around to some updates). It’s not just that this was bad, it’s that it was made worse by there being no clear attempts made at doing anything to keep me entertained, make me give a rodent’s posterior about any of these characters. Sure there will be some night hence, when it’s either this on cable or cleaning out your gutters .. and you’d wish you’d done your chores. 🙂

  • Ryan Reynolds has to be almost naked most of the time on screen, otherwise people would look at his face and realize he looks freaky ’cause he is a bit crossed-eyed.
    Anyway, thanks for the pinback!
    mayhem147 recently posted..Green Lantern

    • The cover picutre that People picked for Sexiest Man, I was like.. he looked like an alien, head all out of wack. Anyway.. wish the movie had been better. You’re welcome, thanks for stopping by.

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