Movie Review: G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

Movies and Television

This one just had Poor Man’s written all over it: Poor Man’s cast, effects, director, script, everything. And G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra was almost in sequel mode the whole time, acting as if it was a big hit sequel.

Problem 1: Bad science. The idea is the G.I. Joe is actually a squad of elite fighters, with all of Q’s wonderful toys to give them uber fightin’ skills. Fine.

© 2009 Paramount G. I. Joe: Rise of Cobra

Bad execution. But then Rachel Nichols (Alias, Charlie Wilson’s War) should not have any skills while on a run-of-the-mill high-jacked motorcycle.

Problem 2: Formulaic characters. A Wayans as “funny” black sidekick; The Marine as “handsome” leading man with a past and a girl; a badass hot chick (finally saw Sienna Miller, in well, anything) in tight pleather doing evil things were just a few of the stereotypical action movie players.

Bad execution. The formula only works when the script and the actors can deliver the goods, make us care about these people. Not even close.

I will stop there as there as I could on and on: bad script, jokes fell flat, effects were weak, plotting was obvious with these flashbacks to everyone’s deep, dark past as if we knew these people and gave a shit.

Ooohh.. dueling ninja warriors only the bad guy wears white, the good guy is in all black. To type that G.I. Joe was predictable does not even cover it.

Final Snark: Poor Man’s version of Eau du Michael Bay, now on clearance at Big Lots.

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